"That is a great question. I, for one, have been plagued by dreams and thoughts that include people from my past that I'd rather not remember so frequently. I sometimes see a connection with real life, so I pray about what God might be trying to…"
The areas of cloudy height, that are so far away and seem impossible to regain a grip on. The areas of history in your life that never seem to go away, whether by dream or by conscience; how do you conquer that weakness? Where do you begin?
"To be alive. Its a fire that ignites upon touch. Its getting out of the revolving door and looking ahead of the last mistakes we've made. Its similar to a smile that is very contagious, those who are interested catch it also. Being alive comes…"
"Joy. Would you not agree that joy may happen upon some as an outside boundary rather than a central factor? Some may experience joy on certain occasions in which it would not last beyond their next trial. The opposite of joy, which is sorrow, then…"
Ya, c-arms are pretty neat, though really big and awkward. And sometimes, because I’m short, I almost run into people with them. Not very well received. Plus, in OR when everything is sterile, it can get kind of stressful because we only keep the end of it sterile, so you have to be careful to not touch the sterile field with the other parts of the C. It’s an interesting occupational hazard. When did you want to be a surgeon? The first time I ever was in an orthopedic OR case, I think it was a shoulder on an older lady, I went right home after work and looked into going to med school because I thought that the ortho cases were so amazing! There is so much to be in wonder about in a hospital, and I find myself losing it, which is frustrating. It truly is amazing what we can help people live through, though when I am here all the time I feel like its just routine. Much like my relationship with God can become. Just something I do, that is routine. I am asking for a return of the wonderment right now, if I can be honest. I know who He is and how much He loves me and the promises He has told me, but at this point it feels stale in a way. I am asking for the marvel and child-like amazement to return…
Yep, Rwanda. Thank you for the congratulations. I really appreciate it! I am really excited, a little nervous, and very expectant. Its been growing in me for some time, and just like when a pregnant woman hits about month 6 and she’s in middle of the pregnancy, I feel like that is where I am. I have been excited, expectant, emotional, scared, happy, overwhelmed, and many more things, but right now it feels kind of surreal. I know it’ll happen, but its still far enough away to be something to only talk about, but close enough to begin making moves also. I’m not sure if that makes sense at all, but that’s kind of the best way to explain it.
I agree with you that Saul is a great leader. He has so much vision and wants to see big things happen. Sometimes I have to catch myself because he says things and I get overwhelmed trying to figure out how it’ll work, but taking it piece by piece is all I have to do. I’m glad to hear you’ll be helping. I was just speaking with Scott on Thursday about all the youth, and everything they go through, the struggles we observe, and how we can help them. Its so hard for me to be stepping out at this time. I know I have to, I have to devote my energy and time to moving, but there is so much that is moving in them, and it is so exciting to watch. And after working with them for the past eighteen months, I just want to continue watching and helping them grow. Its like they’re toddlers, learning to walk. They still trip and stumble, but they understand what walking feels like, so they get back up and strive towards it. Its just incredible, really. So needless to say, the work is there, and the harvest is as well. I’ll be praying that the connections are made for you and for your transition in.
I’ll loan you my camera if you want! I love capturing moments and beauty on film. I have tried to paint and draw, but it never seems to be the same. And that bothers me. So photography is a better medium for me to utilize, except when it doesn’t adequately capture the moment or the beauty of whatever has caught my attention. That just ends up frustrating me as well. I guess I’m a little stubborn about it. My heart is to allow other people to experience the magnificent glory of God’s creation, so when it doesn’t turn out right I get agitated a little. Haha. I guess I should take a chill pill.
And yes, we should all get together over Spring Break. I’ll be out of town with my family Tuesday – Thursday afternoon, but I was actually thinking of making dinner on Thursday and inviting some people over for games or movies or March Madness basketball. I miss getting to hang out with everyone, and have felt really disconnected lately. I’ll let you know if those ideas materialize into plans. Have blessed day!
By the way, I've been thinking of what you said about hating to love sleep. I'm right there too. Frustrating...
First off, a c-arm is a big x-ray unit that is mobile (sort of) and we use in OR cases because it is dynamic x-rays. It is fluoroscopy, which is essentially a tv show of x-rays. So it is great for visualizing things in operating rooms, and we are able to make it sterile, so as not to cause an infection. Haha. As I'm writing about that, and explaining it, God is showing me some things. Huh. Thats interesting. I'll write about it and then share. Love it when that happens....
I'm glad to hear about your experience in SD. I cannot say that I am surprised that it turned into a mission trips for you, as I have come to realize that is what normally happens when we obey God and go where He asks us to go. Even if that is to our next-door neighbor's kitchen. He is in the business of using us, if in fact we will allow Him to. Which is all that I can hope for my life. To obey and be used by God. I would agree with you about SD being beautiful, however, on a surface level. It reminds me a lot of how the Pharisees were. The outside of the cup looks beautiful, but as you get to the inside, there is so much garbage and pain and wreckage, that it is surprising the outisde could look so nice. And I am not saying that SD is full of garbage. But like most places in the US I feel as though there is a spiritual poverty there. A longing deep within the people of the city to know and be known by the Creator of the universe and of them, yet they are so entwined in the daily stuff that it seems virtually impossible that they would ever see the "light" if you will. I feel as though that is the plague of our nation. Yes, there are hungry people. Yes, there are homeless. But more than both of these, there is a deep spiritual hunger that we have attempted to satiate with everything but His sweet presence. And by we, I am including myself, because I know that even despite my understanding of His love for me I get caught up in consumerism, commercialism, and all the other "isms" that can get at me on a daily basis. There must be a conscience effort to stay clear of those things and keep our focus Heavenward rather than on our daily struggles. I think that you said it best when you said that "Some people have no idea of the lifestyle of these families, the hard work of their labor, and the selflessness of their hearts, which emits these smiles of pure natural peace.” It is so true. We hardly see that natural peace here, and like you, I would exchange citizenship with someone in that situation in a heart beat. In fact, though I won’t get citizenship, I will be able to experience it in a small way. You asked where I am moving and why. I am moving to Rwanda in August because God is calling me to go there. I’m not sure why, exactly, but know that I am to go. I have a vision of working in medicine there, and becoming sort of a middle man between medical mission teams from the States and the doctors there in Rwanda. I am hoping to learn the language and the culture of it well enough to help facilitate those things. Also, as God leads, I hope to help empower and encourage the youth there. As is the case in the US, some of them never have anyone tell them that they can achieve their goals. That they are of value. So they grow up with a mindset that tells them they will always be poor, always have little to nothing that the world values. That is the nature of poverty. Poverty is as much if not more a mindset as it is a physical state. I’m still praying about all God will do as I am there, but I am hopeful, expectant and ready to obey.
I need to get going, but would love to share more about my heart for Rwanda. It’s a big move, but I know that nothing is impossible for my Father. Be blessed…
Haha. If you want to go to Rwanda, be sure you're ready to get your life ruined. :) Its in a good way, but I don't believe that anyone can go there and not get every aspect of the life thrown upside down. (Well, at least that was my experience). Just as a car looks after smashing into a brick wall, not resembling anything of its old self, yet knowing it is somewhat still made of the same things, that is what happened when I went there. God literally wrecked my life. My ambitions, goals, perspectives and preconceived notions of what He would ask of me were mixed all around, shaken up, and then spilled out. He kept some things, and got rid of a lot. Hemming me in, making me fit into the intricate quilt He was creating. And as I was humbled by being there, I was finally open to all that He wanted to get rid of, and change. Which was phenomenal, and I would not trade anything for those changes. It is just something to be warned about for sure... :) But yes, you should go. It is a nation so pregnant with potential and overflowing with grace, that it literally felt as though I was inches away from Heaven, if there was ever a posibility of that occuring. And then, it wrecked me even more to realize that Heaven will be so much more amazing! I finally felt at home there, however, which was something I had been seeking for some time. I believe that there is much to be learned from that tiny little country in the heart of Africa, and very soon it will be in the forefront of the world's thoughts.
Where did you go for breakfast? While I was there last we went to some place over by Balboa Park that had us waiting an hour and a half for a table, but was delicious. I am bummed I can't remember the name. It was really good though. Something about pancakes, I think?
I think that you would do amazing with the youth. Your openness and kindness is soemthing they don't see very often, especially not from college aged males. And I don't know if you're talking about high school or middle school, but either one would learn a lot from you. I'd encourage you to speak with Saul. I'm almost sure he'd love for you to help. I will be done serving with them at the end of the month because of moving, but would love to remain. Its a heavy price to pay, as I have loved every relationship I have built. I will continue until I leave, though not in the same context.
I need to get going. I should go check on the OR room I have a c-arm in, but have a great rest of your day! Enjoy the sunshine!
How are you doing in SD? I pray that you are finding things to be challenging, but encouraging as well.
I think that your vision for the traveling symphony sounds awesome and I cannot wait to hear the report of how God magnifies it to bring Him greater glory. I recently recieved more vision about what He is asking me to do in Rwanda and while the luxuries and conveniences of the U.S. are very enticing I realize that I am not living for those things. I was just reading in Deuteronomy yesterday about how the Israelites made vows to God and that they had to keep them becuase they spoke out of their own free will. (Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth. Deut 23:23) And it struck me how I have proclaimed that I will do whatever God would ask of me, go wherever He would ask me to go, under whatever circumstances. Now is not the time for me to relent, but instead to press in more. And this is the same for the vision He has placed on your heart. Through the seemingly impossible situations He not only receives the glory that He so deserves, but He is also growing our faith and trust in Him. As each step is taken, each door opened, and each piece put in place, the orchestra He is conducting grows in fullness and completeness. It is an amazing thing, honestly, that we get to be used by Him. I was just speaking with a friend about it, and how that is all I can hope for my life. That I would be used to the full measure of God's plan and purpose for my life. Now I just have to prove that through the actions I take, and holding fast to the call. Not always easy to not waiver, but so important. Continue in His plan for you, my friend. It'll be a beautiful music that is made...
Ya, no problem on sharing them! It has been a blessing to be able to say, "Here, listen to this. Enjoy it!" In fact I just gave some to my cousins today at my grandma's birthday. It was hilarious, how they came up. We were discussing music, and what my aunt calls "black people music" and I was just wondering what she meant by it. She got all flustered, thinking she had offended me. But I remembered I still had some of the cd's in my car, so I was able to give them to Bekah and Sam, and then our family listened to it as we ate lunch. Bekah and Sam have come to Jubilee before and loved that the music on the cd was by people I know. They really liked what we had listened to by the time I left.
Do you mind if I ask how you're going to dedicate more time to music and travel? Do you know where yet? I agree with you about music being universal and I also see it as being not only a rich part of culture, but an amazing avenue to build relationships. To me, music and food are two things people can always gather around. They are two things that bring people together, allow them to drop their defense a little, and engage. Why else would there be an entire industry devoted to establishments where people can enjoy music and dance to it? (Clubs) Or an industry that allows people to meet at a neutral location and conversate? (Restaurants) I think that sometimes they can become a buffer in an unhealthy way, and in America we could use a little more breaking out into song wherever we are, but regardless, its powerful.
I'll definitely be praying for your trip down to SD. I admire you for returning. Its not easy, and its not comfortable. Much more appealing to stay away. But I can tell you from being in the middle of a "return" right now, the effects are incredible. The Eugene area is my SD, and God had to bring me back (pretty much against my will) in order to heal and send me. And what has happened since I've been back I wouldn't trade for anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to be sent, but I'm so grateful that He loves me enough to heal me before He sends me. I can't say that I know what it would be like to grow up like you did, because honestly I don't even know about it, but I know that God has ordained you for excellence, and your obedience through the trials will be worth it.
Thank you for being such an example. Your kind, open heart is something that the world needs more of. Thank you for letting it be seen.
Hey! How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while. I've been giving those cd's away though. Thank you for sharing them.
how is school going? Aren't you heading to SD soon? I'm having withdrawls. The last two Spring Breaks I've gone. :( Oh well. If you haven't gone, have a great time!
71% huh? Crazy birds... :)
I'll be sure to say something to Saul. He has about a bajillion things going on so he gets forgetful, but I think it'd be cool for some of the youth to be able to express themselves that way.
I was at first service yesterday, but then actually left and came home. God was DOING SOME WORK and I needed to spend some time on my face before Him. Been needing Him to show me how to be alive here, because when I focus on my stuff I get completely overwhelmed and part of me dies. It has been. Just have to offer it all to Him. I have been fighting for my life in more than one sense of the phrase. So, needless to say, I wasn't there. (Long explanation. Sorry...)
Hey sorry I didn't get back to you. I thought I had, but realized I didn't. Sorry about that.
Thank you for the invitation for the youth. I actually do middle school, but I'll pass the invite to Saul, who is in charge of high school.
I had to tell you, I was at Alton Baker Park the other day and paid attention to the geese this time. Kind of get what you were saying about them and community. I was seeing it a little. Interesting...
Do you write songs very often? I am really interested in how people express their stories, and if you wouldn't mind, would like to hear more. If not, no worries.
I pray you're blessed today.
That was probably the best compliment i could have heard (read) the other day. I know what God has told me to do and I am striving to be obedient so for someone to see His work is really encouraging. I don't know why He chooses who He chooses but I am humbled and honored by it. And I think that it is because of His heart toward us that I am amazed by sheep. In so many ways they resemble us and seeing how makes me think I get to see a little of what He does, y'know?
I'm glad that you share with people how you do, and I want to encourage you to please continue. Through your obedience and transparency, others' lives are and will continue to be changed. Be blessed today...
“There is plenty of courage among us for the abstract but not for the concrete.” - Helen Keller
“Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies. Love creates righteousness, or justice, here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk.” - Carter Heyward